It was during the initial visit with the endocrinologist that I heard the word THYROID for the first time in my life. After labs, ultrasounds and tests it was determined that my thyroid levels were perfect, BUT there was a large nodule growing on my thyroid. "It's probably nothing to worry about, but let's biopsy it to be on the safe side." Biopsy is never a good word, especially when you are pregnant.
I felt fine. I wasn't sick. I'd really never been sick in my life. I was in great shape and perfect health. Little did I know that would be the last time I would be able to say any of those things about myself.
The biopsy was done and I waited the dreaded 5-7 days for the results. I never expected bad news. "Michelle.....(pause)....you have cancer. The bright side is if you had to pick a cancer this one would be the one to pick." That statement has been said by so many people-all of which still have a thyroid.
Let's fast forward through processing I have cancer, the last few months of pregnancy, having a brand new baby, my personal life falling apart, my grandmother passing away, working twenty hours a day and......we arrive at my thyroid being removed.
Removing a part of your thyroid is said to be an 'easy' surgery. My easy surgery wasn't so easy. The cancer was bigger than expected and was growing towards my vocal cords. My entire thyroid had to be removed. The surgeon took extra care hoping I would still have a voice when it was over. It ended up being a deep, scratchy voice that still sounds foreign to me, but I'm so thankful he saved it. My neck was cut wide open and my chin taped to my chest with a drain tube coming out of the incision. Don't let me forget to mention that I'm allergic to adhesive and have horrible reactions to anesthesia. At some point I can feel the tape eating its way through my neck and chest as I realize I'm going to throw up. I can not begin to describe the pain of throwing up with your neck cut open.
In a short period of time I had gone from having a perfectly functioning thyroid to no thyroid at all. I had to wait until after my radiation treatments before I could begin taking a thyroid replacement. Tired, weak and emotional doesn't begin to explain the way I felt, but I convinced myself that it was more from being a new mom and still working such long hours. I had survived and all I'd lost was this thing called a thyroid. I'd never heard of it before so I doubt I will miss it. WRONG!!!!!!!
My body, my mind, my world ..would never be the same. My thyroid turned my entire body against me. Who knew that this small, butterfly shaped gland in my neck was in total control of everything. It controlled my metabolism, hair, skin, memory, emotions, sleeping patterns, fertility, weight, eyesight, immune system ...just to name a few.
I am blessed with strong faith, a guardian angel and a small (yet strong) support system. I'm also blessed with amazing doctors. They listen to me. They respect that I know my body better than anything a test can indicate. They sincerely care about helping me feel the best I possibly can. I have fought this disease for eighteen years. It is an every day fight. There were so many days that I thought 'if this is the best I can feel...I give up!'. I couldn't have made it without my close friends, family and genuine love for life. Some days I wake up and struggle to remember who I am or what day it is. I sleep for twenty hours and wake up feeling as though I haven't been to sleep. I have to write notes to remind myself of everything and sometimes I can't remember where I put the notes. The clothes in my closet range from sizes 2-10 because my weight can fluctuate ten pounds within seven days. A common cold is like the flu to me and stress is my worst enemy. I have to be careful what I eat, medicine affects me differently than it does most people. My good days are amazing. My bad days are just blah!
It's not my metabolism that gets me going. It's my true love of life. For years I was just existing...waiting for my medicine to get right so I would feel like 'myself' or feel 'normal'. Five years ago someone told me to quit waiting to feel alive and start living. I found a new 'normal'. I changed a lot about my life. I put "enjoying and making the best of the good days" on the top of my priority list. I learned to say no to people-without feeling guilty- on days where I just need to rest or need some alone time. I do my best to avoid stressful situations and toxic people. I decided that sometimes the dishes and laundry can wait, because running around and playing with my children is much more important. I do what I have to do to feel the best I can. I avoid medicines, processed foods and caffeine, and I limit my intake of sugar and I smile. I exercise every day. I travel. I read. Most importantly I've found inner peace, I don't sweat the small stuff, and I've learned to stay positive no matter what. I've quit waiting for that day I will feel like I used to, and I do my best to make the most of every day! I wake up every morning and I decide that it will be a good day. I go to bed at night thankful for making it through another day and thankful for my blessings.
My thyroid is gone. I'm still here. I smile. I win. I survive.
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